Season 9, Episode 16: William

Synopsis
In the introduction, William has been given up for adoption to a Wyoming couple. One week earlier, a heavy-breathing man observes Scully coming home with William and later sneaks into the X-Files office, trying unsuccessfully to knock Doggett out. Captured, the man identifies himself as David Miller; he says his body has been heavily scarred after he was given an injection as part of the alien conspiracy, and that he was given a keycard by Mulder to access the building. Doggett finds that the Miller identity doesn't stack up, and proposes that he's actually Mulder...something Scully is reluctant to accept. Not Miller admits that he lied for his own protection, since there are people at the FBI who would kill him if they knew he was there.

Not Miller says he was disfigured as part of a failed attempt to turn him into a super-soldier, and that he was seeking files related to similar cases but they were missing. It turns out that Mulder and Scully agreed to remove the same cases from the X-Files before he went on the run, and she decides to let him see them (and also William, who Not Miller says is part alien). Scully seems to be considering that Not Miller might be Mulder, but is still unwilling to believe it even after the DNA matches.

After unsuccessfully trying to escape the agents, Not Miller fakes sleep and gives William an injection. William is taken to a hospital, where it is found that he's OK. Scully realizes that Not Miller is actually Jeffrey Spender, who says that the DNA test is a result of he and Mulder both being fathered by Cancer Man. Spender also says he injected William with a form of magnetite, apparently removing the alien part of his biology, as revenge on Cancer Man, but warns that William will still be in danger of those seeking to use him for the alien colonization. Reluctantly, Scully gives him up for adoption to protect him.

Directed by David Duchovny, who also had a role in the story.

Episode Body Count

UNDEAD'D


Jeffrey Spender: not killed by his father after all, but rather subjected to a horribly botched attempt to turn him into a super-soldier.

Humans: 1
Creatures: 0
Aliens: 0

Cumulative Body Count (198/202 episodes, 1/2 movies)

Humans: 2,209

Creatures: 131
Aliens: 64

Grand Total: 2,404

Merry X-Mas!

Season 8, Episode 15: Deadalive

Synopsis

Mulder's funeral is held at the family grave in North Carolina. Three months later, Kersh tells Doggett that he's recommending him for advancement due to his efforts in finding Mulder. Doggett suspects that Kersh wants to shut down the X-Files once he's transferred and Scully goes on maternity leave, but Scully urges him to take the promotion anyway. The bloated body of Billy Miles is found off the coast of North Carolina, and it turns out that he's alive. Thinking the same might be true for Mulder, Skinner has his coffin exhumed. It turns out that Mulder is clinically alive, despite the fact that some of his systems are decomposing; Kersh warns Doggett to leave the matter alone so the FBI doesn't look bad.

Miles sheds his dying skin, regaining his normal appearance, and says the aliens are actually there to save mankind. Scully suspects that he may have transformed into something else. Doggett visits Abasalom in a West Virginia prison to try to get some insight on the healing process, but that remains unexplored for the rest of the episode. Krycek, who has returned with his nanobot blackmail device, makes Skinner an offer: he'll give up the anti-alien vaccine needed to keep Mulder alive, providing Scully's baby doesn't live. Skinner refuses the deal, though Scully tells Doggett that she had asked Skinner to get the vaccine; she thinks Miles was infected with a virus that started the transformation, and believes the vaccine can stop the same thing from happening to Mulder.

Doggett finds Skinner trying to pull the plug on Mulder; he tells Doggett he can't trust Krycek and certainly can't betray Scully. Doggett chases Kryeck, but he escapes and taunts Doggett by destroying the vaccine. Meanwhile, Skinner's action has shown that the virus is being incubated by life support, and Scully says Mulder might be able to recover on antivirals alone. Kersh lets Doggett know that his promotion is no longer on the table. Much to Scully's joy, Mulder wakes up unaffected by the virus.

Episode Body Count

No new deaths. However...

UNDEAD'D


Agent Fox Mulder: of course they're not going to kill Mulder! He is found to be not quite dead yet three months after his funeral.

Humans: 1
Creatures: 0
Aliens: 0

And so this episode ties for Least Deadliest of Show with Dreamland II.

Cumulative Body Count (176/202 episodes, 1/2 movies)

Humans: 2,020

Creatures: 126
Aliens: 64

Grand Total: 2,210

Season 6, Episode 5: Dreamland II

Synopsis

Fletcher-Mulder opens the episode by saying he thinks Mulder went crazy after the disappearance of Samantha, and that he plans to turn his life around. Scully is given a two-week suspension, and Fletcher-Mulder offers to cook her dinner. Mulder-Fletcher is detained with "Grandma Top Gun," at least until the Area 51 agents realize that he took a fake flight data recorder. Fletcher-Mulder finds that Mulder has a bedroom at his place, but it's entirely filled with boxes and porn.

Fletcher's wife orders Mulder-Fletcher out; he tries to level with her, but of course she's disbelieving. Fletcher-Mulder has cleaned up the place and tries to seduce Scully, but she has figured things out and demands his help in getting things back to normal. Fletcher-Mulder has no wish to return to his old life, but Scully catches a lucky break when the informant calls and Scully orders him to answer it.

Scully and Fletcher-Mulder once again return to Nevada so Fletcher-Mulder can meet with the informant at the Little A'Le'Inn. Mulder-Fletcher is also there, trying to set things right with Fletcher's wife. Fletcher-Mulder finds that the informant is the Area 51 general, who accidentally caused the UFO crash while trying to disable its stealth mode so Mulder could see it. He also turns over the flight recorder to Fletcher-Mulder; after a bit of a comedy of errors, Fletcher-Mulder and Scully manage to get away with it.

Scully takes the recorder to The Lone Gunmen, whose theories Fletcher-Mulder finds simply adorable. He also lets them know how Mulder and Morris switched bodies through a warp in the space-time continuum. Mulder and Morris have apparently let the Area 51 general in on the situation as well; he tells Mulder-Fletcher that Area 51 only flies craft that are built in Utah, and Mulder is actually more knowledgeable of extraterrestrials than he is.

The Lone Gunmen find some weird data related to gravity drives and tachyon flux in the recorder, and a kissing couple near Area 51 end up fusing together after another time-space distortion. Scully tells Mulder-Fletcher that she's been censured and removed from the FBI, and that it would be nearly impossible to recreate the event closely enough to fix things. However, an Area 51 agent finds the couple is fine after his panicking friend waves him down.

Scully is surprised to see that the gas station, which she had seen in ruins, is also completely restored. Everyone converges on Morris's home, where Fletcher-Mulder is able to convince Morris's wife about the body switch. Scully says they need to get back to the highway where everything started, but are instead caught by the military, who recover the data recorder. Luckily, an Area 51 agent has set up a roadblock to get things corrected. Mulder and Fletcher return to their respective bodies. No one has any recollection of what happened, though a few relics of the adventure remain, namely two fused coins and Mulder's newly cleaned apartment.

Episode Body Count

More alternate dimensions!

Humans: 0
Creatures: 0
Aliens: 0

UNDEAD'D

Clerk: found alive by Scully as the space-time continuum corrects itself.

Humans: 1
Creatures: 0
Aliens: 0

This might actually qualify of Least Deadliest of Show. It's the first time I'm going to have to shave a death off the cumulative count instead of an episode count.

Cumulative Body Count (122/202 episodes, 1/2 movies)

Humans: 1,439

Creatures: 99
Aliens: 61

Grand Total: 1,599